So, being a SAHM is not what I thougth it would be! This is my third year of being home with my two wonderful sons, but it just never seems to get any easier. The incredible guilt I felt when I worked and had to leave Reed at daycare, has now been replaced by the incredible guilt of wanting to run away on a daily basis. I do love them, but some days I can not bear to look at them from sheer resentment. I find it hard to even type these words, b/c mothers are suppose to be all-loving, nuturing, and grateful for this wonderful gift of watching their children grow. However, that sentiment makes me want to vomit! I know that I can not chose a paying job/career over my kids b/c I would never forgive myself. I just wonder will being home with me during their formative years scar them for life, so that they hate me as much as I have been hating these long, lonely days! I just long for another (understanding) adult, one to sympathize with these feelings. Yet, all I get is,"one day you'll miss all this", and "Oh, no I LOVE being with my kids all day", and my favorite, "but this is what YOU wanted" ugh!!!!!!!!!!! Well, I wanted to grow up when I was little, that didn't turn out the way I thought either!
This is the first time in my life I have absolutely no adult friends/aquantinces/confidants/hell neighbors for that matter to talk to. If I do call someone they , like me, must quickly wrap up the conversation b/c of all the screaming, wanting attention, did I say loud children running around.
I know it is so Pity partyish to vent in this matter, and that too makes me sick at my stomach....I mean , really Kim get over yourself and put your big girl panties on for God's sake!
This SAHM gig is really a gigantic catch 22 for me, atleast. I hated working when I worked, b/c I dropped off my screaming/wretching child at daycare, now I very often loathe being home all day with 2 screaming/wretching children! Seriously, would they really be better off at daycare??? Atleast when I worked I got to go to the potty by myself, and see other human beings, not to mention buy nice shoes and bags (that being really important of course and vain)
I honestly wonder if I am doing a good job......a half-ass job, or any job at all? Most the time I just feel like a maid!
Yet, there is no fix........it is unfixable.......it is where I am right now.......and this too shall pass, but at what cost to my precious boys?
I mean they will just grow up and like their father more than me......I mean heck he is a much cooler guy and basically everyone loves him......they will feel about me the way I feel about my parents/in-laws.......they are just crazy, guilt-trippers who have no life except living vicariously through their children........
Is that going to happen after all the sacrafices I have made, they will just end up finding me annoying and a real pain in the ass! Not to mention, not being able to remember all the things I did for them when they were small.......Is this really parenting.....this is what we get for a lifetime of love and support.....kids who end up not wanting to be in the same room with us, except at holidays and the whole time they just want us to shut-up, and all we can do is talk about the good old days when they were little and how much we miss it!!!!!!
This is a real sick joke, I wonder do our parents find it amusing to see the circle completed, do they find joy when our children run amuck and make us look incredible inept, or are those memories just stuck behind being a delriously happy grandparent?
I know my dear coach is reading this (b/c I have no other friedns to read it and I certainly don't want my parents reading it) thinking I leave my boys with this crazy heifer? Coach I do love them, you know that right? You know how much I really do appreciate the opportunity to be the one who sees them grow up....I hope you understand why I need to vent on this blog.......I can't stand to say it to you directly.....you wouldn't hear me anyway....not during the season. I know you think you can just fix it, so just put that notion away.......This is always the hardest part of the year for me right in the middle of the season.......the days are soooooooo long.....did I mention how long the days are????? It seems that you will never come home, and the weekends, OMG they just drag on and on..........I really hate venting to you........with all the things you have going on, this is just one more shitty detail of life that is laid on you.......but you are the only other person I see over the age of 4 daily!!
OH, and a big Thanks for taking us with you to Staples the other night...it may seem so insignificant to you ( and I know eating out with small children is not really your fav thing), but it was a chance to get out of the house and have another adult take on some of the responsibility of this parenting gig.......it was truly the highlight of the week.
Well, I have been venting long enough..........and I sort of feel a bit better, sort of, so up go the big girl panties and here's to the rest of the day
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